Abusive Husbands

And

Abusive Wives

Abusive husbands or wives are people who use threats, violence, and intimdation to control their spouses. If you are living with an abusive spouse you will need to exit the relationship immediatelyfor your own safety, for the safety of your children, and to send a message to your spouse that abuse is not ok.

Abusive husbands or wives are sick and in need of intense psychological help to change.

Even if you still love your spouse, the only way YOU can help your spouse and YOURSELF is to end the abuse by leaving. Whether it is physical or verbal, it is NEVER ok. The only way to get this point across to abusive husbands or wives is to leave, whether it is a temporary leave, or leaving forever.

Your leaving may prompt your spouse into getting the psychological help he or she needs. It is likely that your spouse was abused as a child or at some point in his or her life. Abuse as a child can cause children to grow up to become abusive as an adult and to continue to perpetuate the cycle of violence. You can help stop this cycle for your own children by leaving.

Abusive husbands or wives need to recognize their own illness and begin asking for help to change. Until this happens the abused spouse and children are in grave danger and whatever protective factors that exist in the marriage, such as financial resources, are not worth staying. There is too much danger. If there are children and they are being abused, and the abused parents stays the abused parent is then, in effect, participating in the abuse, as well. A responsible adult needs to leave an abusive relationship unti the abuser seeks mental health help.

Why Do Abusive Husbands and Wives Act This Way?

Contrary to what you might believe about abuse, your abusive husband or wife is not �out of control,� when he or she is abusing you. Your spouse is making a conscious effort to use abuse as a means of controlling you. (Violent Abuse is an Abuser�s Choice).

And it may not just be violence that an abuser uses to control his or her spouse. Abusers also use intimidation, isolation, humiliation, threats, dominance, and blame as a means to attempt to keep their spouse in their control. Often this is done when no one else is around, because they know what they are doing is wrong. Don�t let your spouse get away with this.

How Do I know If I am Really Being Abused?

It may be hard for you to distinguish if you really being abused, because sometimes your spouse is nice to you, and because your abusive husband or wife apologizes for his or her behavior. Unfortunately, even if your spouse apologizes, it is still abuse. See if this looks familiar to you�it is the Cycle Of Abuse:

� �Abuse � The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss."

� Guilt � After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.

� Rationalization or excuses � The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior�anything to shift responsibility from himself.

� "Normal" behavior � The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

� Fantasy and planning � The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.

� Set-up � The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.� (www.helpguide.org, Understand, Prevent, and Resolve Life�s Challenges Copyright 2001-2008)

If you are uncertain as to whether or not you are being abused, check out this quick questionnaire from The Abused Adult Resource Center If you feel you are being abused then contact the National Victims of Abuse Hotline for help. National Victims of Abuse Hotline The National Victims of Abuse Hotline will treat you with kindness and understanding, and will refer you to help in your area, such as a FREE shelter where you can your children can be safe. They will guide you on how to break free from your abusive spouse and live independently where you and your children can be safe.

In order to further protect yourself, you may need to get a restraining order to keep your abusive spouse at a safe distance from you. When you leave, your abusive husband or wife may try to control you and keep from leaving. He or she may react with rage and violence. You will need to have this restraining order in place so that if you have to call the police they will know immediately how to handle the situation and keep your abusive partner away from you.

To learn how to get a restraining order, call your local court house. You can also get tips from this website, although it is intended for Connecticut, it has good guidelines.

How To Get A Restraining Order It is a good idea that once you leave your abusive husband or wife, you begin to make plans to live independently. Make plans for how you will support yourself. Maybe make plans to get additional education in order to compete for good paying jobs. If possible, maybe stay with family members while you are getting yourself in shape to be on your own.

You may or may not get back together with your husband or wife. You can always hope that your spouse will get the psychological help he or she needs, and that your marriage and family can be repaired. This is the ultimate goal for your spouse! Unfortunately, you just can count on it�so get yourself together to be independent.

You may need to get an attorney to help with legal matters. Some attorneys will help you pro bono, or for free, if you do not have the money to afford a lawyer. You can call law offices and ask if they would provide you help pro bono. Attorneys are required to do some pro bono work each year.

When you leave and protect yourself and your children, you will feel better about yourself as a person, and as a parent because it is completely irresponsible parenting to stay in an abusive marriage.

Here is a MUST READ article on the cycle of violence, recognizing abuse and understanding abuse. There are several important links you will want to check out.

I know it is hard to take the first step towards leaving an abusive marriage. But, you can do it. It is the right thing for yourself, your spouse, and your children.

Abusive Husbands